Unbeatable Valentine’s Gifts for Bae

Valentine’s Day is coming up very soon, and that means showing your Kitten, Shmoopie, Booger, Paycheck, Sharty– or whatever you call your significant other– how much you truly love them. Stuck on ideas on how to do that? Don’t you worry! We’ve got the top 19 Valentine’s Day gift ideas that are perfect for anyone. Stay tuned for #17! It’s sure to knock their socks off.

  1. Do Not Resuscitate Bracelet ($9.99 on Amazon)

Has your lover ever wondered what was waiting for them in the afterlife? Now they can find out! Not only is it cute jewelry :3, you know that they’ll always be looking out for you from below. It can also be used as a back up plan in case you begin to grow tired of them after the 14th.

  1. Large bag of money (cost may vary)

Many say, love can’t be quantified, you can’t put a price on love. We disagree. There IS a price you can put on love. And that cost may vary, depending on how big of a bag of money, and the quality of bag you choose. 

  1. Send Them to The Ranch (Featured on Dr. Phil) ($250-$400 per day)

Ever fantasized about a romantic getaway with your shmoopie bear? Dr. Phillip has curated the perfect place for you. Only a short plane ride away to Utah, you can help fix all of their behavioral issues before you decide to commit to them for the rest of your life. If you’re yearning for extra intimacy, you can have a group of masked men take them in the middle of the night. 

  1. Burger King Whopper ($4.19)

Whopper, Whopper, Whopper, Whopper, Junior, double, triple Whopper, Flame-grilled taste with perfect toppers, I rule this day. Lettuce, mayo, pickle, ketchup, It’s OK if I don’t want that, Impossible or bacon Whopper, Any Whopper my way. You rule, you’re seizing the day, At BK, have it your way. You rule!

  1. Pumice Stone ($9.97 on Amazon)

Smooth feet! Show them that you value hygiene. If you really want to strengthen your bond, offer to pumice their feet for them!

  1. The gift of friendship (Free) 

Maybe the real relationship was the friends you made along the way. Shows that you not only value them romantically, but as a person.

  1. Wizard outfit ($29.99 on Amazon)

Make your loser lover fly as frick. It will increase your attraction to them exponentially, but be weary of other people being attracted to them as well. Conveniently, they can cast spells to end them. This is something that can easily make your day to day lives more romantic. Can also be used as nightwear. 

β€œAutumn please take that thing off it’s been weeks, I can’t take it anymore please I’m begging you,” -Nicolals Blom, Senior

  1. Surprise tattoo them ($26.99)

This option is nice, because it’s relatively inexpensive for a Valentine’s day gift at $26.99 on Amazon. You have a variety of options with this choice, including a surprise tattoo of your name, your phone number, or perhaps your face. This may act as a kind of label in case they get lost and need to be brought back to you. Like a dog. Make them bark for you too. 

  1. Laser tattoo removal procedure ($100 – $500 per session depending on size)

Just in case. 

  1. List of their flaws (Free)

Prove to your kitten that you truly know them, that you care about them enough to notice the small things, that you love them at their best and worst, and that you think highly of them because they are secure enough in themself to take criticism and self improvement seriously. Also, everyone needs to be humbled. Maybe gift yourself a list of your own flaws as well. 

β€œEveryone can learn from their flaws, whether it’s that they are toxic or that pimple on their chin,” -MJ Holden, Junior

  1. Restraining order (Free (does not include lawyer))

The law won’t stop true love. If their commitment to you is true, they can prove it by showing how far they’re willing to go through just to see you. Also, it’s a classic game of reverse psychology. A government document restricting them from being near you will only make them want to be with you more. 

  1. Lobotomy ($6.26 on Amazon [cost of ice pick])

A classic, used since the 1930’s, lobotomies have been a great, inexpensive gift for the last 100 years. Although uncommon nowadays, it’s an easy at-home activity that anyone can do with just an ice pick, no anesthetic necessary. 

The benefits of a lobotomy are endless. If your partner suffers from treatment resistant depression, schizophrenia, psychosis, anxiety, excess emotion, OCD, disagreeableness, or if you just want them to listen to you more, this is a perfect solution. They will never argue with you again! Bye bye prefrontal cortex!

β€œThey were very grateful. They haven’t noticed yet, though,” -Nate Lara, Senior

β€œYes honey, of course I love the wizard costume.” -Nicolas Blom, Senior, Gift Recipient

  1. Pandora music premium ($9.99 a month)

For the perfect couple of music lovers! Give them the gift of the most popular music platform that everyone uses, and show them that you value their interests. 

  1. The brakes from their car ($13.97 at Home Depot [cost of cutting pliers])

Show off your knowledge about cars! Reveal it to them while you are driving them! It will increase their self esteem when they work to overcome life changing injuries, and they’ll be forced to depend on you while recovering from injuries, which will only strengthen your bond. It’ll also make them feel like a better person for taking the bus because it’s better for the environment.

β€œI feel like that’s very romantic. Gives you an adrenaline rush so you don’t have to use drugs,” -Mars Onyeabo, Senior

  1. Tricycle ($59.99 on Amazon)

The perfect follow-up gift after cutting their car breaks off! Not only will they be ecstatic about the double gift, this will make it harder for them to try to escape you, and if they really do attempt to, you can just take off one of their wheels. 

  1. Break up with them and get back together (Free)

Obviously temporary, but make them think it is permanent. With this simple and inexpensive gift you’ll be able to truly test their love for you and gauge their commitment. Also, you’ll be able to extend the honeymoon period! Simply keep breaking up with them to stretch out the time, every 6 months or so. 

  1. Tapeworm (Purchase at www.tapewormeggs.com for $34.25)

If you both need some time apart from one another, they can be with their new close pal, and never be lonely. It’ll also allow them to eat more delicious food on dates, and this is great practice if you plan to have children in the future. Do they say the β€œmagic” has left your relationship? That they don’t feel butterflies in their stomach when they see you anymore? Well, they will certainly feel something fluttering around in their stomach once you give them this great gift. For best effect, keep this a fun surprise. 

Senior Reese Schenkel says that for his lover, β€œThey’ve always wanted a pet. It really prepared us for our future first child.” 

  1. Voucher for Hustlers University 3.0 ($49.99 per month)

Is your partner unsure of their college plans? Afraid to commit to being thousands in debt for a degree that might not even make them money? Hustlers University 3.0 offers a perfect compromise costing thousands less than the average university, where your partner will learn high-income skills, multiply their online income, acquire an abundance of wealth, and become a hustler on their famed crypto-campus. No B.S., no fluff, just hard hitting lessons in making money. Help your partner achieve the alpha grindset you know they have deep down. Learn from the hustler himself, the top dog, the alpha, the master, rags to riches success story, Andrew Tate.

  1. Surprise Baptism (Free)

Allow them to save their soul– because they desperately need it–, and strengthen your relationship with them. Also included is a new friend for them (God)!

β€œMy dad’s a pastor, and he says relationships can be greatly improved by allowing God into it. Let go of your relationship and find Jesus,” -Hannah Grace Pritchett, Junior