Top 10 Best Soups of All Time ft. Famous Haiku Writer

“Winter rain, 

Means steamed windows, 

So before I eat, 

I take off my glasses.”

-History teacher and published poet Robert Danis,

Hello, welcome to the definitive ranking of the top 10 soups. With fall hitting Maryland in full force, a ranking of some beautiful, warming soup is just what we need! 

Before we get into the ranking, let’s first define what soup really is. Soup, as defined by the oxford dictionary, is “a liquid dish, typically made by boiling meat, fish, or vegetables, etc., in stock or water.” Despite this definition being published by a British company, I personally find this definition quite agreeable, and is therefore how we will be defining soup from this point on. 

You may be thinking, “Who are you? What qualifies you to make such a prestigious, objective, definitive list of every soup in the world? Doesn’t it come down to personal taste? This is impossible, you’re insane and I hate you,” and my response would be I hate you too and you’re wrong. My heart is filled with rage and malice toward your blatant incompetence and I will strike you down where you stand. If I were to see you in the halls my mouth would froth and I would transform into a terrible beast that would rip you to shreds. Shreds which I would then cook in a broth to create a delectable soup. Do not question me again.

10. Potato soup

This is by no means a bad soup, I’m quite fond of it actually. It has a delightful, creamy consistency with a mild flavor, and the various toppings you can add only improve it. The salty bacon, the cheesy texture added with shredded cheddar, the refreshing green onions and sour cream. Truly a brilliant soup. However, the reason this soup isn’t ranked higher is despite its potential for deliciousness, is its potential for unpleasantness. It’s very easy to cook the potatoes incorrectly, and to underseason the soup, leaving it bland, gritty, and frankly gross. For this reason potato soup is unfortunately ranked at #10. 

“Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Oh God please answer in 5 seconds help me please,” – Senior Evan Hancock

“Can tomato soup be considered a drink? If it were in a cup would you drink it? Would you do the same for cereal?” – Senior Donovon Martin. 

9. Clam Chowder

I’ve actually never had this soup before because I don’t like clams but I heard it’s alright.

“It’s all fun and games until it’s soup,” – Freshman Collin McHale. 

“Mmm, soup,” – Senior Nicolas Blom. 

8. Broccoli Cheddar 

We all know broccoli cheddar soup tastes amazing. Just the flavor alone puts it in the top However, cheese water? With boiled vegetables in it? That sounds disgusting. I remember the first time I was made aware of broccoli cheddar soup’s existence I was deeply disturbed. I thought “Oh well, white people food I guess. B*tches be crazy.” because who in their right mind would eat cheese water with boiled vegetables of their own free will? However, recently my boyfriend offered me some to try, telling me it was one of his favorite soups. I could not be disrespectful of his culture, so I reluctantly tried some. Surprisingly, it was quite good and I enjoyed it. 

“Soup, soup, I LOVE IT! Hot and Yummy! In my tummy!” – giddily exclaims senior Andrew Northcutt, rubbing his tummy with glee, soup completely covering his clothes.

“I don’t have a good quote” says senior Audrey Tabibi, disappointing each and every viewer of this article. Do better.

7. Tomato Soup

I like this one.

“Mmm, soup?” Senior Wormcolas Wlom inquires.

6. French Onion Soup 

I love love love french onion soup! Yummy yummy yum! Deeeelicious! Scrum-diddly-umptious! Hoo-wee! Juicy-Goosey! I love french onion soup! I love onion flavor! My favorite part is the croutons! Yumm yum yum! However… I don’t trust the French. They are sneaky little rats and something about this soup is suspicious, therefore it is rank #6 instead of #1.

5. Really watery cup mac and cheese

Now you may be thinking this is a questionable addition to the definitive list of top 10 soups. However, I ask you to hear me out. If we remember the start of the article, soup is a liquid dish typically made by boiling meat, vegetables, fish, etc. in stock or water. The noodles, made out of wheat (vegetable) and eggs (meat) are boiled in water to make a liquid dish. That is precisely what soup is. Aside from that I think this soup’s ranking at 6 speaks for itself!

“Mmm, soup” Says senior Nicothew Blomathan

4. Chicken Noodle Soup

No comment

3. Chef Boyardee’s ABC’s and 123’s

Getting into the top 3, obviously Chef Boyardee could never be excluded in a respectable ranking of soups such as this one. This human ambrosia, heavenly nectar is so versatile yet delectable. I believe that if not for this soup, I would still be illiterate. I only tried it for the first time but a year ago, and I have only Chef Boyardee to credit for my ability to write this piece. Additionally, I’ve seen online that this soup has mobile abilities! How delightful is that? I’ve never experienced a can rolling after me all the way home, but there have been so many accounts of this online that it seems quite credible. 

“Soup is my favorite food” – Said senior Arieli Ayala, revealing a closet filled with soup. I look upon the towering wall of cans with a glint of horror in my eyes. I quickly corrected this fatal error on my end, describing how cool I think his soup is, its magnificence, hoping he didn’t notice. But he did. I’ve been trapped in this basement for weeks, with nothing but soup as once my respite, but now my torment. I believe my organs are beginning to fail, and with each passing day I long to see the light more than the one before, before it’s too late. He told me he’d let me go once I finished this article, but I’m not so sure anymore. I haven’t much time left.

2. Bee Soup

Oh boy, this one is a classic. I’m not sure I know anyone who hasn’t had this bad boy. A childhood staple for us all, I think this was an obvious choice as a top ranked soup. The perfect balance of sweet, savory, sour, with a bit of a zing. A simple dish made from natural ingredients with such a complex and robust flavor deserves all the “buzz” it gets! 

Honorable mentions:

• Miso Soup
• Tom Yum
• Cereal
• Glim Glam Soup
• Smarm soup

1. Nothing

Over the course of this soup journey, I’ve found myself. I’ve come to realize that soup is not so simple as to be ranked as “better” or “worse” than one another. A human being such as myself doesn’t have the kind of cosmic wisdom to rate something as complex, as important as soup. I hope this list was helpful, and remember, on August 10th 2019 Jeffery Epstein was killed in his cell to prevent him from testifying and possibly exposing numerous members of high society that were likely involved in a sex trafficking ring. These individuals still have not been brought to justice. Enjoy soup!