The Senioritis Pandemic

(This is a Satirical piece)

Blake High School Alert, fellow students! There has been an outbreak of a potentially deadly new virus called Senioritis. This is Mr. Hysterica speaking inside James Hubert High School! New symptoms have been shown, such as sloth-like behavior, turning into lazy goop, and making homework disappear. Make sure you stay away from people showing any signs of this behavior, and tell your friends and family as well!

It’s unclear where or when the contagion started, but sources point to local senior Student McChild. In early November, he reported, “A compulsive desire to not care about school,” and “chronic yawning.” Since then, this virus has been spreading throughout the student population of all grade levels, specifically targeting certain individuals with low workloads and near-graduating classmen. Doctors have stated, “Students affected will stop going to school, and tend to develop a higher chance of Senioritis.” Another doctor mentioned that these infected individuals are allergic to classrooms. Some rumors also said that people implode upon receiving homework. The average grade of the students has also been dropping as a consequence. 

In recent years, some students with a rare strand of Senioritis, have been camping in bathrooms like it is a triage center for those infected with the disease. Security is struggling to contain such an abundance of infected individuals. These infected minds seemed to develop an awareness of teachers that they needed to avoid getting caught. Another known symptom of this rare strand of infection is the addiction to rolling and lying on the ground, especially in the dirtiest of places. 

One such student stated, “I can’t even lift my backpack unless it has drumsticks in it.”

“The bathroom is the closest thing to a bed,” another student said.

A third student mentioned, “Every time I enter a classroom, I feel like I’ve been shot in the stomach.”

Among its many dangers, senioritis is the most contagious disease of the 21st century. “If one person were to get senioritis today in your class, 12 people would have it by the end of the week,” said the director of the CDC. Information has also been circulating online on how to deal with the newfound virus, “Wash[ing] your hands with at least 600 grams of soap and water,” is common advice from influencers. The currently advised course of action from health professionals is to work on your assignments well before the due date and forget about them. This has been effective for some students, however, research is being implemented to figure out a better way to solve this issue. Stay safe and protect yourself from the virus.