The “Florida Men” of Maryland

Florida, the chaos capital of the United States and proud home to the world’s worst superhero, Florida Man. The sunshine state has always been the punchline to this comic strip of a country, but what caused that? Do they have a bat signal aimed to attract all the crazies that no one speaks of?

Much to my dismay, the answer was a lot less comical. Simply put, Floridian law allows journalists to have quick access to public criminal records. This is why they can obtain information on the local loonies much faster than states like Maryland permit. 

If an exploited loophole resulted in this journalistic phenomenon, there is the potential for unknown insanity across the country. With that being said, here are the top four maniacs of Maryland who could give Florida man a run for his money. (Disclaimer: Several of these stories have been slightly exaggerated and should not be taken at face value.)

1. A fondness for spring rolls turned sinister: Maryland Man held a delivery person at gunpoint over Chinese Take-Out

The term ‘hangry’ gained a whole new meaning one evening in Anne Arundel County, when officers were called to the Hunan Odenton restaurant. Police reports stating that three juvenile robbers held a delivery driver at gunpoint, demanding free Chinese food. While no one was physically harmed, I can’t say I’ll ever look at my orange chicken the same way. 

2. Carjacking fails after Maryland Man realizes he doesn’t actually know how to operate the car

Two men in Gambrills attempted to steal an electric car at gunpoint, only to realize they couldn’t even drive the car. One would think people trying to pull a Grand Theft Auto worthy felony are capable of thinking ahead, but they’d be wrong and thank goodness for that. In fact, you heard it here first folks, electric cars may be the future in protecting your vehicle from hopeless criminals! 

3. Maryland Man falls through the roof while trying to steal lottery tickets from a gas station

We’ve all fantasized about winning the lottery, but few would go as far as this Hartford county man did one Sunday night. When authorities first responded to a Delaware gas station alarm, they noticed bits of broken tile covering the floor. Upon further inspection, a large gaping hole was found on the ceiling, with the official release stating Daniel Jeffries, 27, had climbed in through the roof and fallen onto the floor below (ouch). Jeffries was found with stolen cigarettes, lighters and lottery tickets upon arrest. We can all safely assume these tickets had losing numbers, given Jeffries’ clear lack of luck, and critical thinking.

4. Maryland Man’s ridiculous plan to firebomb a Nebraskan Pharmacy goes up in flames 

“Operation Firewood” may sound like something out of an edgy thirteen year old’s fever dream, but it was actually the fruition of Hyrum Wilson, 41, and William Burgamy, 33, of Hanover Maryland. Wilson was an online drug dealer and pharmacist that illegally sold drugs to Burgramy. Wilson’s pharmacy had a direct competitor, Cody’s U-Save Pharmacy. Wilson knew there was only room for one medicinal dispensary in town, and had a plot to literally blow up the competition. Defense lawyers believed the plan to be ‘convoluted’ and ‘fantastical,’ no doubt the result of drug and mental health related issues. Shockingly, this act of pharmaceutical treason was not spontaneous, with investigators stating the two had spent months on it. Stockpiles of weapons and body armor measurements were found in Wilson’s house, Burgramy providing an elaborate, color-coded map of the residence. The duo will spend the next decade in prison for their crimes, ideally using their time away to plan a murder mystery, or poorly executed children’s show.