The Bengal Parent’s Guide to the Parking Lot

Hey Bengal Parents! Have you ever found the Blake student parking lot impassable and puzzling? Have you spent countless freezing mornings and scalding afternoons waiting patiently (or impatiently) to take your student home after a long, stressful school day (assuming your student was truly in class)? Have you ever wondered what you could do to ensure everybody in the parking lot drives with a positive, harmonious, and nonviolent attitude? You’ve come to the right place! Here is the comprehensive guide for everything you should know to have the best experience possible in the Blake parking lot!

DISCLAIMER: Everything I’m writing is entirely satirical, and I highly suggest that everybody who relates to these tips changes their ways. Immediately. I am not advising anybody to break the law or the school rules. That would be less fun than joking about it in this piece. 

1. All Stop Signs Are Suggestions

Not all Bengal parents and families know this, but the stop sign right at the exit of the parking lot is just a decoration to enhance Blake’s exterior appearance. Some people think it’s there so that buses can access the bus lot, but this is a common misconception. It’s perfectly fine to keep driving – your commute home is probably more important than the bus full of students anyway.

Alright, this one probably applies to a lot of students as well. We can’t always be the innocent drivers in the parking lot, just getting by with our “Please Be Patient” bumper stickers.

2. Always Park in a Student Parking Spot.

This is the easiest way to save $75! In August, students can purchase full-year parking passes, granting them a shiny square to hang in their mirror that indicates their permission to leave their car in the lot all day. These are NOT IMPORTANT! If you’re waiting to pick your kid up at 2:30, you should pick any open spot you find. The student’s absence clearly suggests that the spot is up for grabs. Finders Keepers. Not only will this make it easier for you to leave, but every student will appreciate it when you cut them off as you do so!

3. Cut the Line, Cut Your Time!

Do you remember in kindergarten when we were all taught to be patient and wait for our turn in line? No? Yeah, neither do the majority of drivers in the parking lot. After all, why would you put a lane in the middle of the parking lot and NOT expect parents to cut to the front of the line? Some parents wait for so long to drive close enough to the school so their students can get out. This is pointless because you can save several minutes each day by cutting in front of everybody else.

4. Anywhere is a Parking Space if you Try Hard Enough!

Yes, this includes the middle of the lane that allows students to exit their section of the lot. This is convenient as it allows you to wait for your child to meander over to your car without waiting in line. You also get a great view of all the students who try to navigate their cars around you! You can ignore the backup of student cars this causes because, by that time, you’re trying to navigate out of your own difficult parking situation!

5. Any Direction is the Right Direction if You Try Hard Enough!

Just like the previous tip, there are no rules when it comes to which direction you should drive in! Lanes do not exist in the Blake parking lot, so you’re free to drive around in whichever direction you please. This also includes driving in reverse, which you should do as soon as you’re ready to leave. You should disregard the rest of the cars waiting in line to leave, cutting in front of them mindlessly is the smart, responsible thing to do. 

6. Keep All Hands and Feet Inside the Vehicle At All Times

I might be having too much fun with this. However, the way many parents drive in the parking lot resembles an amusement park ride, with sudden stops and accelerating into near-car crashes. Perhaps this is more of a guideline for students to ensure their safety from the passenger seat. 

7. You Can Avoid the Right of Way if You’re Arrogant Enough!

Typically, when driving at any kind of intersection, it’s polite to wait your turn if another driver reaches their stop before you. In the Blake parking lot, however, it’s a free-for-all and a determination of one’s self-confidence. If you just keep driving, somebody is bound to stop for you! Avoiding the right of way means avoiding unnecessary breaks in your route, which ultimately cuts down time on your ride home. 

8. The Bus Lot is Not Restricted to Buses!

Sometimes, the student lot is just TOO busy, … probably because all the Bengals who own cars are always occupying the spots they paid for. How annoying! Don’t worry, I have the perfect solution for you! You can just drive through the bus lot and meet your student over there! You might notice that every copy of the student driver’s policies and procedures urges you to do the exact opposite, but there are significantly fewer buses than cars at Blake. Less buses = more space for cars!

9. Stop At Every Given Opportunity

EXCEPT for stop signs. Don’t stop there. Stop in the middle of the parking sections so that students can’t leave. Stop in between two parking spots so that students can’t park. Stop while you’re backing out of your parking spot so that you interrupt the line of cars. Every day. Stop anywhere and everywhere. It’s a fun game you can play with anybody on your tail to make sure they’re just as annoyed as everyone else trying to leave. 

10. Keep Zero Awareness of Your Surroundings!

This is probably the MOST important guideline on this list. If you’re following the rest of these guidelines and still finding that you’re not the biggest nuisance to everybody at 2:30 from Monday to Friday, you need to take more extreme measures to get yourself out of the parking lot in the fastest way possible. These include but are not limited to: driving over the medians, getting a bike so you can scoot between cars, covering every inch of your bumper with “Please Be Patient” stickers, and keeping your children home from school so you don’t even have to think about the parking lot. Overall, the more you can do to disrupt the normal processes of a parking lot, the better everyone will feel when they have to drive near you!