Shoving Your Way to Success at Blake

This is a work of satire.

Are you tired of having to wait behind a horde of people mindlessly scrolling through their For You Pages on your way to fourth period? Are you tired of not being able to get to first period on time because of the crowds near the Spiral Staircase (who desperately need to be anointed with deodorant)? Today, I’ll give you eight pieces of advice* that’ll help you navigate the overcrowded hallways of Blake.

1. Tell on them.

As a former tattletale, I highly recommend this method of confrontation. Complaining to a security guard or a nearby teacher should be an effective way to get people out of the hallways. All you need is to point in their direction and send the administrator there. Even if they don’t help you, at least you’ll have made them aware of this serious issue!

2. Shove people out of your way.

If people don’t respect your space, then you shouldn’t respect theirs. Don’t feel guilty about pushing people down to the ground; they’ll get up…eventually.

3. Yell at them.

Strike fear in the hearts of those who don’t understand how to walk by screaming at them at the top of your lungs! At the very least, they’ll startle, and you can take advantage of their confusion and rush past them.

4. Gossip about them loudly behind their backs.

Use whatever insults you like! As a high schooler, I know you have a very colorful vocabulary. If they turn around looking offended, take advantage of their surprise and get to where you need to go.

5. “Accidentally” spill water on them.

Whoops! The water bottle that you had in your hand just happened to spill on that person! What a terrible accident! Apologize if you wish (I don’t recommend it), and leave the scene of the crime – I mean, incident.

6. Hit them on the head with your backpack.

Violence is always the answer, and even if you don’t knock them out, they’ll be hurt. As they rub their swollen noggin, you’ll be able to get to class without issue.

7. Move them (literally).

If the person is small enough, just pick them up and move them out of your way! It shouldn’t be hard. Of course, if you can’t physically pick them up after trying, just go away. That’s embarrassing.

8. Post something nasty about them on the Blake Confessions page.

What better way to shame someone than to name-drop them on a page known for belittling others? By making other people aware of how annoying they are, they should stop.

There you have it! These eight pieces of advice can work for every hallway situation that you could find yourself in. So the next time you see someone loitering in the hallway, you know what to do!

*(Follow my advice at your own risk.)