The Ultimate Gift Guide for Blake Gals and Goons

The holiday season is upon us and so the quest for the perfect gift begins. Some people ask for a puppy while parents beg that people just eat the turkey. Yule be sorry if you don’t listen to this customized gift list for Blake students. 

Gas Masks

These highly technical masks will block the strong smelling fumes of secondhand smoke coming from our classmates. Protection from the constant smell of weed in classes, hallways and bathrooms will prevent future instances of lung cancer. Gone are the days of constantly walking into bathrooms and inhaling vape clouds from teenagers who think they are incredibly cool for wrecking their lungs.

Living Bubbles

Our highschool is known for couples holding hands, making out, and messing around in school bathrooms. This stocking stuffer will be designated for keeping students apart so they stop disrupting the hallway experience for others. No one needs to see that at 7 in the morning. An alternative gift would be to quite literally, get them a room. 

A Food Court in the Parking Lot

This would be perfect for stopping students from leaving the school and getting into potential car accidents. Teachers would no longer get in trouble for giving students money to leave campus and buy them food. Plus, putting all the lunch time delinquents in one place is a recipe for Blake to be in the local newspaper, and thus get us more exposure! 

Significant Other Pillow

For the desperate single Bengals who are complaining about couples, get them a significant other pillow to hug them to sleep. This will bring a false sense of safety to a touch-deprived youngster.

Ear Glue 

Everyone just LOVES the kid who blasts inappropriate music at ear bleeding decibels and REFUSES to wear headphones. We will never hear him or anything ever again with this practical gift. 

Headphone Implants

Do you have a problem with teachers constantly complaining about your friends using headphones? Do they feel the need to listen to music 24 hours a day? Just get implants so they can listen to music without raising any alarms. 

Teleportation Spell

Picture this, you are running late to class and need to go down the spiral staircase. Unsurprisingly, there are flocks of students standing in the middle of the hallway intersection. Take out the spell your friend just bought you and throw it into the middle of the pit of non-moving people. It will move people instantly, and possibly stop repeat offenders from even entering the vicinity. 

Lead Tablets

The water in this school (specifically the water in the downstairs C hallway) often tastes disgusting. If we add lead to the water, the county will care and fix it (well, maybe).