I of the Tiger: October, 2018

For the last three years, this column was the place for Jack O’Grady to get serious and deep with everyone and provide an insight to the inner workings of his mind. I am here to do the same, minus the deep and serious part.
As someone who is about as deep as a kiddie pool, I don’t see this column headed in the serious direction. I, instead, prefer the more light-hearted topics that could make for some laughs.
A lot of things I say makes little to no sense. Examples might be, “rain is just sky sauce,” or, “ink is just a boneless marker.”
Also, why aren’t shorts half the price of pants? I’m aware that this is not an original thought, and that is the reason it stands out so much. I recently purchased a pair of cargo shorts from American Eagle for $50. I just looked up the price for “cargo pants” and the full length pants are being sold for $25. So here’s a better question, why are shorts DOUBLE the price of pants?
Did Jimmy Neutron weird anyone else out? I clearly remember as a kid watching Spongebob Squarepants and laughing and giggling and having a great time, and then that peanut-headed creep would pop up on my screen and I would become far less excited and happy.
Why do rubber ducks in Mickey Mouse not look like Donald and Daisy? How can Goofy walk Pluto if they’re both dogs? Why was Pete always trying to screw up the gang’s adventures? I was never given a good reason for this.
What’s the deal with any of the villains in those kids cartoons? Like Swiper, from Dora the Explorer. I want a Swiper prequel, just to see if him doing his dirty deeds is legitimately justified. What if all of Dora’s stuff is actually his and he’s just trying to get his stuff back, but the phrase, “Swiper no swiping,” is some kind of traumatic trigger. If that’s the case, Dora is the real villain.
I have an intense hatred towards styrofoam. Everything about it: the sound it makes when it rubs up against stuff, the texture, it’s all bad stuff, and it makes me physically shudder.
I feel as though Little Caesars pizza is criminally underrated. Also Five Guys hot dogs. People have this prejudice towards them based on what other people say and it is complete blasphemy. I think we need to start a movement to show Five Guys hot dogs more love.
I have infinite respect for people who know the right amount of salad dressing on salads. I’ve drowned my salad in too much dressing every single time I’ve done it without fail, and it is frustrating. But instead of being angry at myself, I’ve decided to admire those that are better than me.
I was told I should put the phrase, “Grind my gears” in this article. There it is.